1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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