Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
