The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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