dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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