I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
