trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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