your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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