Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Text me some of your sweat
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