His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I am midnight drunk by noon
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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