Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
