she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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