bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
