i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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