Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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