The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
