I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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