If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
