god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
