Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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