And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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