why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The ass gains better be worth it
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