Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just pee around me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
