my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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