Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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