Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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