Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
