They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
