I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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