i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
