i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
