I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
