I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Two words: nipple clamps
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