Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
