my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
