would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
