yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
