Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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