I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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