Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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