am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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