I just cut my nipple shaving
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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