I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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