Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
