I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
