I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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