textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
