I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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