I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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