Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
