garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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