I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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