she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
