Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
His hands were made for my vagina.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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