she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
