Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh god it's open bar.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
