First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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